12:42

I don’t know what is about the night sky, or the clock turning the midnight corner, or the moon shining bright. But around this time I’m just prone to think. I’m left alone. The sound of silence sings. And the sky outside just looks like it has something on it’s mind. So my mind wanders.. It wanders over my day, over the highs and lows, over relationships, and experiences, thoughts and emotions. I think nine out of ten blogs I’ve written have probably been late at night and I can’t say why. But that’s just the way it is. ..So here I am again.

For the last few weeks I’ve been seeking God very persistantly. About a specific thing, yes. I won’t say what it is, but It’s been hard to hear. I’ve felt like I had a conch shell up to my hear listening so closely for the sound of the ocean but hearing only my own breathing. I don’t know why sometimes God’s leading is as clear as glass and why at other times it feels like I couldn’t hear Him if He was shouting at me. Why sometimes the answer is as loud as a trumpet’s blast, and other times seemingly unheard. I was reading Hebrews Chapter Six this morning.. Verse 15 says, “And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.” This verse is speaking of Abraham. God promised Abraham something. Abraham patiently endured. Abraham received the promise. Seems simple right? So I found myself wondering if I could apply this. But it seems different to me, my situation from Abraham’s. You see, God spoke to Abraham with His voice. Showed him the stars in the sky, the sands on the shore and made a promise with him right then and there. I so often find myself asking God to just speak to me. To just come down into my room for a moment and have a conversation with me. See, I feel like He has promised me something specific, but I’m not sure. So I’m left in this limbo of doubt and question. “Well do I even have a this promise to hold on to? Should I hold on till the promise comes?” Maybe this sounds like a rant to you, and it probably is, but to me it’s heavy on my heart. And I find myself just looking up and saying, “God, where are you? And why won’t you answer me?” Maybe I have the promise. Maybe I also have a lack of faith. Maybe in time God will reveal it more clearly. But until then I know I should just keep seeking Him and having faith. Why is that so hard? Well the same question applies to why it’s so hard for a ten year old to sleep alone in the dark. Or a blind man to walk to the corner store. But is it? My God has never let me down or given me a reason not to trust Him! I can’t finish this. I probably shouldn’t have written it. I know it’s hard to read pain so I appologize. Just be encouraged that if you’re in the place I’m in, it makes two of us. And God is real. And even when we are faithless, He is faithful. That’s all I know tonight, and maybe that’s enough..