Logs of Love and Loss.

So we lie here in the dark, in the silence of the night. I wish I had something beautiful to say, but instead only the whispers of the walls are heard. The beating of your heart becomes the metronome for my thoughts, memorizing every moment; the smell of your shirt, the way your hair fells, and your hands delicately dancing around my spine. Simply your touch is paralyzing, but I would rather be a vegetable in your arms then go a moment without them. I gaze at your gestures and fantasize about the day when you won't have to let go. When the comfort of the couch will be a nightly routine, uninterrupted until morning doves sing and the sky brightens, a new unpromised day with you begins.

Now I lie here all alone... creating the pigments of your eyes in my memories of you, as the green meets the brown, intersected with a shrunken image of me in the middle. I was placed perfectly in the hollow center of your eyes. What occupies them now? What do you see, and how do you see it? I can't help but wonder, do you see me like I still see you? I see you in the melodies of my songs and in the front seat of my car, i see you in my driveway and i notice you down the street. When people speak I hear past conversations with you. Is it time to move on? Is it time to let go? Oh my love, where are you? I lay here in the silence alone, drowning in thoughts of you. Memories sneak upon me wherever I go, bringing chances to break down and cry, chances to be overwhelmed in emotions I've been left to bear, along with the reminiscent sent of an unfinished romance. I have been praying for peace, praying for mended hearts, and I pray to be with you. All I want is to be with you. I no longer desire for you to love me, I just want to hear your voice, I want to see your face again. I knowingly will always love you, and I so desperately long to be with you, but I would be satisfied being your acquaintance, or your casual encounter. For being without you is shear agony. I fell like I lost what was the beginning of a friendship that could not be pierced.

The trials of a broken heart my be among the hardest to bear, and the toughest to conquer. Even the strongest will break under the constraints of a broken heart. It is inevitable. Does that mean I have loved you too much or that our love was a loss? As of this very moment and to all of my knowledge you are the best for me, second to the Father, you are the love of my life. But allow this to be my declaration that I will wait on my sovereign King, my all-loving and all-knowing Father. I am not fighting against flesh and blood, but I am in a battle. My army seems so minute in comparison to the enemy's, but i pray for my Father, because with Him on my side, and under His name our forces can conquer all.

Today, tomorrow and the months we face before us, and behind us are nothing but steep mountains. We face them with no knowledge of what is on the other side. I will climb, focused and unafraid for I trust in the Lord. There will be voices of the enemy saying "you cant do this," "what's the point," "this is too hard for you, "You'll never reach it". There will be times where every move my body is making and every step my feet are taking will feel lost and alone with no direction to follow, as my faith will be shaken. But I have to keep trying, with my head held high, and my lungs singing hard, I will keep my eyes focused on the Father and run with endurance. There's always going to be another trial to face, another mountain to climb, and selfishly I will want to be the one to make it move, I am in a constant uphill battle, sometimes i will slip and fall, sometimes I will lose. But I will remain uninterested with how fast I am going, and unfocused on what's waiting for me on the other side. It remains about the climb, the rocks in my way, and the strength it takes to get up from a fall and carry on.

"All authority,

every victory is Yours."

My heart may be broken in the flesh, but it is mended by the spirit. Man can give comfort, but only God can heal. What seems impossible to man is possible in Christ.

I'm sailing on a ship that's bound for life,

I wrestle with the winds against the tide.

but, I'll leave it all behind and reach for more.

I'm sailing on to Your golden shore.

Your voice is calling me through the wind,

pulling my journey further in,

Your map of stars guide me into Your heart.

As skies fade from blue to grey,

I'm being thrown from wave to wave.

Through the storm my lungs sing hard,

and through the rain I cry Your name.

For in the end I drown in your grace,

that pulls me deeper into your love.

I'm sailing on a ship that's bound for life,

your sun shines on the rushing sea,

I'm sailing towards Your golden shore,

I'll leave it all behind and reach for more.