Logs of Love and Loss.

So we lie here in the dark, in the silence of the night. I wish I had something beautiful to say, but instead only the whispers of the walls are heard. The beating of your heart becomes the metronome for my thoughts, memorizing every moment; the smell of your shirt, the way your hair fells, and your hands delicately dancing around my spine. Simply your touch is paralyzing, but I would rather be a vegetable in your arms then go a moment without them. I gaze at your gestures and fantasize about the day when you won't have to let go. When the comfort of the couch will be a nightly routine, uninterrupted until morning doves sing and the sky brightens, a new unpromised day with you begins.

Now I lie here all alone... creating the pigments of your eyes in my memories of you, as the green meets the brown, intersected with a shrunken image of me in the middle. I was placed perfectly in the hollow center of your eyes. What occupies them now? What do you see, and how do you see it? I can't help but wonder, do you see me like I still see you? I see you in the melodies of my songs and in the front seat of my car, i see you in my driveway and i notice you down the street. When people speak I hear past conversations with you. Is it time to move on? Is it time to let go? Oh my love, where are you? I lay here in the silence alone, drowning in thoughts of you. Memories sneak upon me wherever I go, bringing chances to break down and cry, chances to be overwhelmed in emotions I've been left to bear, along with the reminiscent sent of an unfinished romance. I have been praying for peace, praying for mended hearts, and I pray to be with you. All I want is to be with you. I no longer desire for you to love me, I just want to hear your voice, I want to see your face again. I knowingly will always love you, and I so desperately long to be with you, but I would be satisfied being your acquaintance, or your casual encounter. For being without you is shear agony. I fell like I lost what was the beginning of a friendship that could not be pierced.

The trials of a broken heart my be among the hardest to bear, and the toughest to conquer. Even the strongest will break under the constraints of a broken heart. It is inevitable. Does that mean I have loved you too much or that our love was a loss? As of this very moment and to all of my knowledge you are the best for me, second to the Father, you are the love of my life. But allow this to be my declaration that I will wait on my sovereign King, my all-loving and all-knowing Father. I am not fighting against flesh and blood, but I am in a battle. My army seems so minute in comparison to the enemy's, but i pray for my Father, because with Him on my side, and under His name our forces can conquer all.

Today, tomorrow and the months we face before us, and behind us are nothing but steep mountains. We face them with no knowledge of what is on the other side. I will climb, focused and unafraid for I trust in the Lord. There will be voices of the enemy saying "you cant do this," "what's the point," "this is too hard for you, "You'll never reach it". There will be times where every move my body is making and every step my feet are taking will feel lost and alone with no direction to follow, as my faith will be shaken. But I have to keep trying, with my head held high, and my lungs singing hard, I will keep my eyes focused on the Father and run with endurance. There's always going to be another trial to face, another mountain to climb, and selfishly I will want to be the one to make it move, I am in a constant uphill battle, sometimes i will slip and fall, sometimes I will lose. But I will remain uninterested with how fast I am going, and unfocused on what's waiting for me on the other side. It remains about the climb, the rocks in my way, and the strength it takes to get up from a fall and carry on.

"All authority,

every victory is Yours."

My heart may be broken in the flesh, but it is mended by the spirit. Man can give comfort, but only God can heal. What seems impossible to man is possible in Christ.

I'm sailing on a ship that's bound for life,

I wrestle with the winds against the tide.

but, I'll leave it all behind and reach for more.

I'm sailing on to Your golden shore.

Your voice is calling me through the wind,

pulling my journey further in,

Your map of stars guide me into Your heart.

As skies fade from blue to grey,

I'm being thrown from wave to wave.

Through the storm my lungs sing hard,

and through the rain I cry Your name.

For in the end I drown in your grace,

that pulls me deeper into your love.

I'm sailing on a ship that's bound for life,

your sun shines on the rushing sea,

I'm sailing towards Your golden shore,

I'll leave it all behind and reach for more.

beautiful.

I can see you. I can hear you. Although only a glimpse of an unimaginable, unfamiliar sight and the lowest chorus of the most glorious roar.- I only wish your fullness could I behold. However, what I see I love, what I hear I adore.- You are so far beyond what this world could express, but I can see what your hands resemble. The working of Providence so brightly displayed in Your creations and this elaborate ensemble.

Your face is like diamonds shown under millions of lightning bolts . With eyes shinning like rainbows abound, Your gaze pierces me. Your beauty I cannot turn from when I'm looking into grace Himself. But here.. now.. i stray like a harlot bride, unfaithful, untrue to her lover, her husband. I am not worthy of the earth shifting beneath my feet. I am not worthy of the trees that give me shade, or the rock that i sit upon, for even they sing unending praises to the King. Still, Satisfied.. is what I am not. It says satisfied is: In general, to fill up the measure of a want of; hence, to grafity fully the desire of; to make content;to supply to the full, or so far as to give contentment with what is wished for. But still, I cannot be satisfied in You, because I want more of You, I desire to know and love you deeper, I wish to fear you more, I yearn to learn more of who You are. I long to worship you, and glorify you with my life... but continuously i fail.. i fall short of the throne.. I believe only in death when i can fully understand and see Your beauty, where being held in Your arms is all the time, and where I am finally home will I be truly satisfied. Expose Yourself to me, let me see just a glimpse of Your veil, or an arch in Your holy hands. Allow me to run my hand upon your halo of brilliant light, show me more of who You are. All I see is what I know... and You are so much greater... unimaginable, unfathomable. Praise You beautiful. 

Today, when I walk into the doors of the church, I ask You to send Your spirit upon us in heart wrenching POWER. I pray that all walls will fall so when we worship You we sing to the heavens, and when we cry Your name its a whole hearted cry directly to Your throne. As the Creator of all things that our good I ask that you enhance our worship, make it better and more heart felt and all about You Father, Yahweh, make our worship greater than it was the last time. Create new wants and praises in our prayers, that we pray for the world, and pray for Your glory instead of for ourselves.

amidst the silence

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence.We need silence to be able to touch souls."

Mother Teresa

A romance only obtained with my Lord.

i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go, my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world

(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart).

-e.e. cummings

This Poem by E.E. Cummings is about deep, profound love, the kind that can keep the stars apart and that can transcend the soul or the mind... The kind of profound love, found beyond the world, it's the love of our Father.
I don't believe this poem is always interpreted as a heavenly love but instead as the love of a spouse, or a worldly lover. Which may be true, but when I read these words..

"i carry Your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go You go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is Your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for You are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful You are my world, my true)

and it's You are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is You

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry Your heart (i carry it in my heart)"

Oh my friend, that is the love of my Father, that is the love in which can only describe my Lord!! It is the most wonderful, and rewarding love you can experience. So when you read the marvelous words of E.E. Cummings once more do you see your heavenly God? My prayer is that you do. Because this is the Romance obtained with my God.

Omnia vincit amor.

I believe in true love, I believe in love at first site, I believe that love conquers all. And that doesn't mean there isn't going to be hard days or difficult things to deal with, because there will be, but I'm coming to know that finding that person who does it for you, and knowing that that person loves you back, just makes it that much easier.. Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs (Proverbs 10:12). I serve a sovereign, loving Lord, who blesses me with ones to love, and be loved by. However, I am in a war against an enemy that will not give up, making it hard to love, hard to be loved. The battle is long and hard, I am so exhausted.. but I'm fighting for love. Love of my Father, love of my king, and love here...

the only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.

-Chuck Palahniuk.

We've been through so much together, and despite how confused I have been or how lost I might have gotten, there was always you.. finding me, and saving me. You deserve to be ADORED! So I will adore you, for years to come, for eternity. I am so terribly in love with you, and I always will be. Amidst the war, amidst the battles, I can find refuge inner twined in the stronghold of Your wings. I am going home downhearted and hoping that I am somewhere close to a new beginning. I know there's a reason for everything that comes and goes,but so many people are looking for me to be strong and fight, but I'm just trying to survive... I may be weak, but I'm not defeated.. and I'll keep believing in clouds with that sweet, sweet silver lining. That beyond grey skies you stand with your hand on the hearts of this Earth. Some days I try my best to put on a brave face, but inside my bones are cold and my heart breaks.. but all the while, somethings keeping me safe and alive. I won't give up like this. I will be given strength and now that I have found it, nothing can take that away.

Sing Praises to my strong, and mighty, Father God.